Secret Shepard
by Sarinalina
Summary: When Ashley suggests doing a Secret Santa aboard the Normandy everyone gets in a cheery mood. At least until they reach their next destination. FShenko angst/fluff. Originally a christmas present for the Mass Effect Holiday Cheer on Tumblr.
1. Chapter 1: It will be fun!

"Hey Skipper, so what are you doing for Christmas this year?"

Shepard looked up from her datapad. As Ashley was walking over to her, she couldn't help but notice that slight grin her gunnery chief had. The one that always meant she was up to something.

"Not much, you kind of lose track of the holidays when you just transfer from ship to ship all the time," she answered while the chief took the seat opposite of her.

"And you LT? Anything planned?" Ashley waved for Kaidan to come join the two ladies.

Kaidan put down the coffee mug he'd been fully focused on and grabbed a chair for himself, replying "I was just going to order something on the extranet and send it home in time."

"I'm sorry Ash," Shepard remarked sadly. "I know family means a lot to you, but we can't afford the delay. I don't think Saren's going to wait for us if we go on holiday break."

She had been thinking about how she might be able to squeeze in a trip back to Earth, but they had to get to Noveria soon; Benezia might already be gone and they needed all the information they could get. She fully expected a frown at her answer.

Instead Ashley just kept her grin and went on. "I know, that's why I've come up with a little something! Why don't we just do it right here, on the _Normandy_?"

"Do what?"

"A Secret Santa of course!" Ash paused for a moment to emphasize her point. "It will be fun!"

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure that's a good idea? What about Liara and the others, it's not like they'll have any idea what's going on."

"You don't really have to know what it's all about, you just need to get someone a present. And it would be great for the human crew members aboard, who can't go home either!" she answered cheerfully.

Shepard was still trying to process Ashley's suggestion, when another voice joined the conversation.

"Hey, what's going on?" Liara smiled as the doors to the med bay closed and she approached the little group.

Ashley wasted no time and started to explain the basics to the young asari.

Before she got far though, she was interrupted as the comm crackled to life: "Hey Commander, I've got Admiral Hackett on the line. Something about a biotic commune gone crazy."

"I'll be right up," Shepard replied to the ceiling before turning back to the gleeful marine in front of her. "Ashley, if you want to do this thing that's okay, but don't drag anyone into it that doesn't want to." Shepard stood up and almost bumped into Garrus as he walked around the corner, followed by Tali and Wrex.

"Joker said there was something you needed to discuss?" the turian asked with a rather urgent tone in his subvocals.

Shepard started wondering just how much of their conversation her pilot actually had overheard before interrupting, but she wasn't in the mood to get mad. After all, he had wanted to see his family as well.

"Relax Garrus," she laughed laying a hand on his shoulder. "I think Joker made it sound like more of an emergency than we have here."

The response came from the ceiling again. "Hey, presents for everyone. That's pretty important, right?"

"Just don't start playing any carols over the comm," Shepard laughed again as she made her way up to the CIC.

In the meantime Ashley had finished briefing everyone on the human custom of anonymous gift exchanges for Christmas and they all agreed that it might be fun, with or without the original holiday in mind. It was a good a reason as any. That's when Ashley started compiling a list of names and within 24 hours almost the whole crew had signed up.

* * *

><p>With the <em>Normandy<em> not running into any firefights and Garrus fixing the Mako for them, the engineering crew managed to get an automated drawing system up and running. It included wishlists and anonymous messaging and other functions no one usually needs, but were of course absolutely essential for the positive outcome of the operation. At least that was how Adams explained it.

Shepard could feel the whole mood aboard her ship getting a little lighter than it had been these past few weeks. With the hunt for Saren and the conduit not really taking any major steps forward, organizing presents was a welcome distraction for everyone.

Whenever they managed to stop at a larger port, Shepard noticed a few more items on the shipping list than usual. She even got a message once to specifically not look at the list that day, so instead she just handed it over to Joker and trusted that he hadn't smuggled 24 bottles of asari wine aboard.

"So Wrex, who'd you get?" she asked the krogan during one ride on the Mako.

"Well I'm not telling. But I know what I'm getting for them", at that he grinned at her and started his triumphant laugh.

"Wrex, the head of a dead thing doesn't count as a gift."

"Aww that's not fair."

It was still a mystery to Shepard why he had signed up in the first place.

* * *

><p>Three days before Christmas, they went to Virmire.<p>

Ashley didn't make it out.

They just couldn't do it without her, then.

That dumb sweater Shepard had bought for Adams had been a bad idea anyway.

"Beam me up, Scotty." It's not like anyone would have gotten the reference from some old science fiction show.

She wondered what might have happened, if Scotty had beamed Ash up in time.

That was the first Christmas aboard the _SSV Normandy SR-1_.

And the last.


	2. Chapter 2: About second chances

Two years later, it was Kasumi who came up with the idea.

It didn't take long before she decided to ambush Shepard in the elevator. "Hey Shep, just wondering why you haven't signed up yet? Even Zaeed's name is on the list."

Shepard looked up from the mission debrief in her hand. "What list?" she asked.

"Secret Santa, what else?" Kasumi answered with a smile. "Maybe Jacob will draw my name … I mean purely by chance, of course."

She was so busy dreaming about the Cerberus soldier, she didn't notice Shepard tensing up next to her.

Not for the first time the Commander wondered why the elevator took so damned long to get anywhere.

The master thief turned to face Shepard again and frowned a bit when she saw her expression. "You don't think it's a good idea?"

"No, no, sure. It's actually a great idea. Get everyone together, because we don't have time to go home for the holidays." Shepard tried to shrug the memories off, without much success.

"Well, what is it then?" The disappointment in Kasumi's voice was painfully obvious.

"Nothing," Shepard shook her head. "Forget I ever said anything." She gave her friend the best smile she could offer.

Kasumi wasn't fully convinced, but she wasn't about to start an argument over something her commander obviously didn't want to talk about.

Shepard felt a wave of relief roll over her, as the elevator finally came to a halt and opened it's doors. While she walked out, Kasumi continued. "Anyway, the list is in the mess hall. Just make sure you sign up before the next trip to the Citadel. That's the deadline."

"I'll be sure to check it next time I come down for coffee." She waved with the datapad she'd been holding. "Work, work, work."

Kasumi started to think about how to make Jacob draw her name again as the doors closed. Shepard didn't know what to think.

* * *

><p>A few hours later she found herself leaning on the kitchen counter, coffee mug in one hand, datapad in the other. It was the sign up sheet. Not just Zaeed, but even Grunt had put down his name already. So had almost everyone else in her squad. She did notice the one name that was missing though.<p>

The sound of the main battery doors opening pulled her out of her thoughts. Garrus looked like he was searching for something, but stopped when he found it in Shepard's hand. "So you're not sure either, huh?" he deduced from her expression as he walked over to her.

"Yeah." She paused for a moment. "I know it would be a welcome distraction for everyone, especially with this crew, but I just can't get Ashley out of my head," she replied with grief in her voice, putting the datapad back on the table she'd picked it up from.

Garrus simply nodded slowly. "It's a shame we never actually finished it the first time around. I had found this brilliant anti-nausea medication for Wrex. He always did take your Mako rides the hardest."

"Hey, that's not fair. I always got us where we needed to go in one piece, right?" She knew what he was trying to do. But somehow it worked anyway. He always managed to distract her, when she needed it the most.

"You forgot to mention the psychological trauma we all have to live with now," he replied sarcastically. "Speaking of psychological trauma, is that really Jack on the list? I wonder, what would she give away." He looked down at the names in disbelief.

"Maybe a free tattoo at her favourite studio on the Citadel?" she replied with a grin.

Pleased with himself for having brightened up the mood, he picked the list back up. "Well I could use one of those," he said, pointing towards the right side of his face. "How did you put it again? Just slap some facepaint on it and no one will notice the difference?" He quickly signed the list and handed the datapad to Shepard.

She looked over the names again. "So you think we should give it another try?" she asked him, unsure about her own opinion now.

"Sure, it's not like we're heading out to some suicide mission that might cancel the whole thing three days before the big party again, right?" he replied with a smirk.

Shepard just shook her head, but she was smiling as she signed the list herself. "Just like old times then, right?"

"Just like old times."

* * *

><p>Neither of them had really been prepared to see the other. The tension in the air, as he refused to believe her, had been unbearable. Both of them knew, he was overreacting. But seeing the woman he loved … had loved? … for the first time in two years, after being told she was dead … and she just had to be with Cerberus.<p>

If she'd been back with the Alliance, maybe she could have convinced him to join her. To have Garrus back at her side was nice, but she missed her biotic … lover? … friend? She didn't really know anymore. But as it was, they were going separate ways.

After that Shepard wasn't really in the mood for Christmas. As the _Normandy_ made her way to the Citadel, Shepard took the elevator down to the mess hall and crossed her name off the Secret Santa list again.

A few weeks later she saw some of the presents being tossed around, such as a seat pad for Samara, a bottle of whiskey for Donnelly, and similar niceties.

She was sitting at her desk when the message came in. Seeing who it was from, she almost didn't want to open it. But he deserved a second chance. "Okay, you've got one line to convince me," she muttered to herself.

_Shepard, I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon._

She loaded the rest onto a datapad, walked over to her couch and poured herself something to drink. Reading it thoroughly, she started to smile a little. "Merry Christmas to you too," she said quietly and read it once more before putting it down.

Maybe next year, she could convince herself to actually see a Secret Santa through.


	3. Chapter 3: All I want for Christmas

Beef, bacon, beer. All the ingredients for a perfect evening. After the hell they'd been through these past few days it was just what they needed. Finding out she had a clone, who was out to replace her, the one time she actually was on shore leave, was considered bad luck even on Shepard's scale. As compensation Kaidan had tried his best to make it up to her and so far he'd definitely succeeded.

"Okay, I said I can cook, but that. Was. Amazing!" she admitted as she finally put down her fork.

"Glad you liked it!" Kaidan replied with pride.

"How can I ever make this up to you?" she asked with a seductive grin.

"Oh, I could think of a few ideas. First off, maybe you could invite me to that party you're throwing," he smiled innocently.

That was not the response she'd been going for. And judging by his slight chuckle, he knew it. Of course he knew.

"I still have to think about who'll be on the final guest list. I mean, I can't simply invite everyone, can I?" she wondered, trying to figure out a way to steer the conversation back to her planned topic.

"Why not? It's one week to Christmas. Get everyone together for the holidays."

He realized too late that this took them in a direction neither of them wanted to go in.

Shepard turned away, gazing out of her ridiculously large windows. He tried to read her expression, but she was too far gone. It had taken him more than two years to finally deal with had happened on Virmire; two years that she hadn't had. Sometimes she managed to make him forget about that.

"You know what? You're right," she replied after what felt like an eternity. "We could just do it. Invite everyone and throw one hell of a Christmas-party!" She turned back to him smiling. "We could even do a Secret Santa."

At that he smiled as well. "Sounds great," he answered with the warm tone to his voice, that made her feel so at home. "I'm sure she'd like that too."

He ignored the slight shimmering in the corner of her eye as she picked up her bottle.

"To Ashley?" she suggested.

"To Ashley," he replied lifting his bottle in return.

At that they both finished their drinks.

* * *

><p>"How on Earth did you manage to get that in here?" Shepard stood laughing in the doorway to her apartment, hands over her mouth.<p>

Kaidan was standing proudly under the enormous tree he had smuggled in while she had been out getting supplies. It didn't seem physically possible for it to have fit through the door. She hadn't seen a way to open the windows either.

"Well to be honest, I'm not so sure either. Christmas miracle, I guess," he answered with a smug grin.

"It's perfect," she said as she strolled over to him and planted a kiss on his cheek. "And look what I found in this one store on the presidium!"

Cheerfully she opened one of her many shopping bags and showed Kaidan it's contents. "Ball ornaments, tinsel, Christmas lights. Did I miss anything?"

Now it was his turn to start laughing. "Good thing the tree is so big, huh? You could decorate the whole Normandy with this stuff."

"I just wanted to make sure, I had everything," she replied sheepishly.

"Well, if we want all of this to be on the tree in time, we should get started!" His hands started glowing in the familiar blue of biotics, but he was cut short by Shepard's quick response.

"Stop! No special powers for this! We're doing it the old fashioned way!" she interrupted him with a grin.

"What, seriously? How are we supposed to do that? This thing is two stories high!"

"Well, the balcony has to be there for some reason!"

* * *

><p>Before the party had started they decided to place all the presents under the tree, instead of opening them right away. With so many people coming over, it was impossible to keep track of all the packages in the forming pile, which was exactly what Shepard had been going for.<p>

"Hey everyone, come over here for a minute," she announced from beside the tree several hours into the party. "I think it's time to get started, don't you think?"

"That sounds like a good idea, Shepard!" Samara responded from the balcony.

"So, who gets to go first?" Cortez asked, sitting at the kitchen counter.

Grunt had been side eyeing the box with his name for almost an hour. It was a miracle he'd restrained himself so far, so now no one even dared to stop him from dashing towards the tree and grabbing it.

"Well, I guess that settles it," Traynor replied giggling.

Excited, the young krogan ripped the packaging off in one swift motion and revealed a giant shark action figure, with real biting sounds! He grinned madly like a five-year-old human and immediately started running around the apartment, attacking random furniture.

Smiling proudly, Liara picked up a small package adressed to her. Carefully she opened it and found a book inside. There were few who knew she preferred the way paper felt to the coldness of datapads. The title read "The Actual Truth About The Protheans" by some author she'd never heard of. She looked around, trying to figure out who it might be from and found Javik nodding towards her, looking fairly satisfied with himself .

"Damnit Shepard, who'd you tell about that goddamned machine?" Zaeed was holding a particularly cute plushie that was almost as red as his ears were getting now.

"Don't look at me. My lips were sealed," Shepard replied, her hands raised up into the air in defense.

"She didn't have to," came the answer from a corner. Kasumi decloaked with a smug grin. "I saw the whole thing!"

There was a quiet outcry of joy, as Tali opened her box of turian chocolates and instantly ran over to Garrus to hug him.

Joker now wearing a cap that said "best damn helmsman in the Alliance fleet", raised an eyebrow at EDI as he asked how much the new toothbrush she'd gotten for Traynor had cost.

Shepard really wanted to watch his reaction, but was instead interrupted by Kaidan who came back from the tree with her present in his hands.

"So what did you get?" she asked with a smirk reaching for it.

"There's this one pistol mod, I've been trying to get a hold of for ages. No idea, how they knew about-" He paused. "Don't tell me that was you?"

Her smirk widened into a full blown grin. "I have no idea, what you're talking about, Major."

The laugh that should have followed caught in her throat, as she finally opened her present.

"Hope you like it, Lola," James called from the other side of the room, "A little bird told me you used to watch that show."

Shepard let the paper fall to the floor and held the sweater in front of her. It read "I'm a Spectre, not a miracle worker," a reference to the same show as the sweater for Adams had been three years ago.

"Hey, everything alright?" Kaidan asked her, worried.

She blinked the moisture in her eyes away before anyone could see it and replied "Yeah, it's perfect."

Putting it on she turned towards her friends. "Merry Christmas, everyone!"

"Merry Christmas!" came the unanimous reply.


End file.
